Soap is not a condiment
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize