I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
