I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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