Umm I'm too high to move.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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