in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
