i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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