Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
