Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
