so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
