i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
