i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
