After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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