i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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