apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
