guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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