1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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