I wish I only lived at night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
