You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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