Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
