On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
