i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize