do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
