Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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