So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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