just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
