i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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