Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
