if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
