I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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