i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
