So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
