I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
