I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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