guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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