she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
