from now on my penis is your penis
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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