if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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