Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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