Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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