how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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