the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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