I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
