so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
