I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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