Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
