Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
