Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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