Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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