I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
