I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
