I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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