I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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