I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize