I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
