Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
