Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
