so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
