I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
