On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
