my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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